What the fuck?

I seem to be spending a lot of time this morning sitting on the floor just wondering, and not in the whimsical "What shall I dream of today?" kind of wondering, but a "I'm lost, but I didn't even know I was trying to go somewhere" one. Finding myself confused and malcontented, and pondering how I even got there (because how can I get out of it if I don't know?).

I guess I was at a loss earlier thinking about this interview I have today. Wanting to look knowledgeable about the company and its values, wanting to appear clean but properly "unprofessional" to show how I look normally, and my general "Interviews are a giant beauty contest charade and I forgot to put Vaseline on my teeth" discomfort. I'm friendly, not fake. If I'm smiling, I'm happy. If I'm nice to you, it means you're nice, or at least not being a jerk (or I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt), and I sincerely appreciate that. There will be no contrived bouncing or bubbliness - just sincere friendliness. Or diplomacy if you've chosen to be a weenie. But in an interview, bouncy, smiling-so-hard-it-hurts seems to be what's desired and I just can't give it. And I don't have one of those "friendly-looking though in neutral" faces that other people have.

So that one had me at a sit-still for a few minutes, and now a few minutes more writing about it.

Secondly, my mom's boyfriend has decided to build a shed in the yard to paint in. I finally got to see how high this thing would be, and it's pushing right into the branches of the trees in our yard, ones that I took spectacular fall pictures of last year. I was pretty peeved when he said they were going to cut the branches back for this shack, for a number of reasons I realized while sitting on the floor like a jack-ass.

Firstly, as an environmentalist or modern-day hippie, or just an advocate of simplicity, I just can't wrap my head around this building. Why not use the space we have more efficiently, instead of constantly having to take over new spaces or build new shacks (yeah, world, I'm talking to you - fuckin' soapboax)? Dan took over Mom's porch office, then a chunk of space in the basement, and now he's building another fucking thing outside. I personally don't see why the basement isn't working, though I'm glad he's moved most of his paintings out of the porch which made it inaccessible (even though now that's HIS office apparently). Monie had mountains of shit in our room (some of which recently got moved into her new apartment), took over Joe's room with giant piles of clothes, and has her fold-out "closet" (in addition to the closet in our room packed with crap) in the dining room. In the 1.5-2 years I've been home, I have kept my shit in my one room. Sure, a pillow or bag of stuff going to the thrift store escapes and sits in a different room for a few days, but I have mostly contained it, and don't see why others can't efficiently use space as well. Secondly, there has been welcome living here, but definitely not openness in letting my items into another space. I get heckled like crazy about that bag of stuff going to the thrift store. I get heckled for charging my phone in another room. It's inefficiency and inequality, if I can be so dramatic.

I mean, everyone can say "Ah, well, let them do what they want it's their frickin' business", but I think it's a shame that we as a society fail to see how much space we actually have, even in houses so small our moms make living rooms into bedroom/office combos. I can't share this idea in the house, because no one would care to listen, and would probably just roll their eyes about "Kym having to break out her opinion or values about some shack in the backyard". It's a shame.

And it's a shame that I won't be able to take spectacular photos this fall either.